Week 1 2021 NFL picks

Holy crap, we're back!  The seven months without football went thankfully faster than usual, but you what they say--time flies when you're sniffing glue and taking ivermectin.  But I digress.  Since the 17-game season made the preseason just three games, coaches mostly put second, third and practice squad string players on the field.  This is not helpful whatsoever to those of us picking the games, but whatever.  It levels the playing field in some ways.  Or it doesn't.  Week 1 is always a crapshoot, so let's just dive in, shall we?  

Dallas at Tampa Bay--The Thursday/Sunday Night Football kickoff game, as always, features the defending champion Buccaneers.  Tom Brady is an absurd 44 years old and somehow still elite.  But it's their defense that will (should? it's fucking week 1, remember?) shut down Dak and the Cowboys.  This Giants fan will enjoy that very much.  Bucs 32, Cowboys 20

Philadelphia at Atlanta--Matt Ryan is 38 years old, Jalen Hurts is 23.  I know you don't care about that fact, because neither do I.  But did you know Ryan grew up as an Eagles fan?  I know, who cares about that either?  Falcons 27, Eagles 24

Pittsburgh at Buffalo--Ah, the rust belt game.  I only wish this game was played in December, when the color scheme of those two cities is gray and white.  Bills 38, Steelers 24

Minnesota at Cincinnati--The Mets' announcers were dissing Skyline Chili when the Mets played there a few months ago.  I need to say this--that's bullshit.  Skyline Chili is delicious.  It's not healthy whatsoever, and will wreak havoc on your colon, but damn if it isn't worth it.  You're welcome Cincinnati.  Bengals 23, Vikings 20

San Francisco at Detroit--It's oddly fitting that Jared Goff wound up in football purgatory after shitting the bed last season in the playoffs when it counted.  That team is just not good.  Meanwhile, the Niners are a Jimmy G likely injury away from their golden boy Trey Lance taking over.  Niners 27, Lions 13

Arizona at Tennessee--A sneaky good matchup if you like offense.  Titans 33, Cards 30

Seattle at Indianapolis--The Carson Wentz no longer in Philly experiment begins.  Frank Reich is probably a top 5 coach in the NFL, so he may actually turn Wentz into a decent player again.  Colts 24, Seahawks 23

LA Chargers at Washington--Can someone tell me how I managed to draft Justin Herbert and the WFC defense, and they play each other every four years but manage to start the season off as opponents?  I always manage to fuck up my fantasy teams before the games kick off.  Dammit.  Chargers 23, WFC 19

NY Jets at Carolina--Ha, Sam Darnold starts against his former team, and against the Jets next failure at QB in Zach Wilson.  Actually I don't think Wilson will suck--he and new HC Robert Saleh may actually turn this sad franchise around.  Panthers 19, Jets 17

Jacksonville at Houston--It's surreal that Tyrod Taylor is a QB1 and DeShaun Watson is a QB3.5 when the talent differential is at least the size of Texas.  Jags 30, Texans 21

Cleveland at Kansas City--The Browns are good again, the Browns are good again!  The Browns are 0-1 after drawing the Chiefs in Week 1.  Chiefs 35, Browns 31

Miami at New England--The Patriots are just not exciting anymore, and combined with the non-descript Dolphins make this one of the least compelling games of opening weekend.  Dolphins 21, Patriots 17

Green Bay at New Orleans--Everyone is picking the Packers to win it all.  I'm sorry, what about last season makes anyone think they can stop Tampa this season?  And then Buffalo or KC?  I don't think so.  Packers 30, Saints 21

Denver at NY Giants--Oh boy, here we go.  Once again the Giants beat writers all think we can go 9-8 and win our sorry division, while the national media (and me) are smarter than that.  I think 4-13 is more like it, with Dave Gettleman and Daniel Jones both being shipped out in January.  I hope they prove me wrong but opening against Von Miller and Bradley Chubb?  The over/under on Jones' strip sack/fumbles should be about 3.  Broncos 23, Giants 16

Chicago at LA Rams--Matthew Stafford is out of the aforementioned football purgatory!  Now we get to see if he really can live up to his lofty potential.  Rams 27, Bears 17

Baltimore at Las Vegas--Jon Gruden's game face seems to start out a darker shade of red every year.  This opener against Lamar Jackson will not do anything to temper that.  Ravens 26, Raiders 23

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