Week 1 picks
Season record: 1-0
We're just days into the official start of the NFL regular season, and already we have one of the most insane soap opera stories of the year, and of course it is surrounding the Raiders. Antonio Brown apologized to his coach, GM and teammates the other day, and all was right with the world but then he was suddenly released this morning after asking for his release from the team on Instagram. Let's put aside Brown's ego for a sec--and yeah it's gonna take more manpower to move that thing out of the way-- but the dysfunction on the Raiders since Jon Gruden was poached from the MNF booth has been breathtaking. Chuckie essentially drove Khalil Mack, Amari Cooper and now Antonio Brown away. I look forward to his return to said booth as early as this November.
But hey, there are games to pick!
Washington at Philadelphia--DeSean Jackson is back in Philly where he belongs so that he can troll Giants fans like me at least twice a year. Carson Wentz legit scares me but this time if he gets hurt, Nick Foles won't be there to bail him out. Eagles 38, Redskins 10
Buffalo at NY Jets--Two teams that being the march to their inevitable AFC East demise because they share a division with the most dominant franchise the game has ever known, theMiami Dolphins Fucking Patriots. Okay, I actually think the Jets will be decent for a change, then break fans' hearts somehow. Jets 24, Bills 13
Atlanta at Minnesota--Sadly I think the Vikings had a window of opportunity two seasons ago, when Stefon Diggs and Case Keenum pulled a rabbit out of that giant fucking horn. you know, this one:
all they had to do was beat the Wentz-less Eagles and they'd be hosting the Super Bowl. But Nick Foles happened, and the Vikes missed the playoffs in 2018. The Falcons' reached their zenith after three quarters of Super Bowl 51, when Bill Belichick suddenly had control of Dan Quinn's mind and told it/him not to run the ball. Falcons 23, Vikings 20
Baltimore at Miami--Without much fanfare, John Harbaugh has been one of the game's best coaches for over a decade. His teams are never out of a game or out of the playoff hunt, and yet he's never talked about much. And in my professional (not really) opinion, it seems like his players respect him and play hard for him. Miami, well, at least you had the 70's and the Marino 80's! Ravens 30, Dolphins 14
Kansas City at Jacksonville--The sexy pick here is the Chiefs, as Patrick Mahomes has risen from promising to superhero in a calendar year. But don't forget that Jags' D, which appears to be as sick as ever and has the aforementioned Mister Foles on the other side of the ball. Jags 21, Chiefs 19
Tennessee at Cleveland--There is something about watching the Titans play, and that is that they are BORING. So boring that you may find yourself wondering if there is any tennis or bowling or fishing on TV. Oh, and the Browns are suddenly a contender which means Armageddon is right around the corner. Browns 26, Titans 20
LA Rams at Carolina--I see this Rams team as either being hungry enough to get back to the Super Bowl and win it, or as a team that could have a Super Bowl hangover and underachieve. Rams 31, Panthers 17
Cincinnati at Seattle--Wait, did Marvin Lewis actually get fired for once? Like the Bengals actually went through with it? Oh and have you ever wondered who is in charge of Pete Carroll's gum? I mean that dude always has half a pound of gum in his mouth. Seahawks 22, Bengals 13
Indianapolis at LA Chargers--Now that Andrew Luck has retired, there is just one guy they could sign to keep them relevant:
otherwise, Indy, at least you'll have a top draft pick again. Chargers 34, Colts 6
San Francisco at Tampa Bay--Does anyone else find it hard to believe that right smack in the middle of hurricane season, the NFL scheduled THREE games in Florida this weekend? Bucs 17, Niners 16
NY Giants at Dallas--It's gonna be real tempting for Pat Shurmur to yank Eli when it's clear he can't move the ball down the field now that he has an actual backup who may be more talented at this moment in Daniel Jones. We can only hope, right? Oh and let's not start the season 1-6 again, G-men, okay? Cowboys 27, Giants 17
Detroit at Arizona--There are exciting games, and then there are not exciting games like this one. Lions 20, Cards 17
Pittsburgh at New England--Would you be at all surprised to see Antonio Brown in a Pats uniform tomorrow night? One of my buddies just said this, and he's right--it's hard not to picture it happening. Pats 33, Steelers 27
Houston at New Orleans--I'm convinced that Drew Brees, Tom Brady and possibly Big Ben will still be playing at a high level when they turn 50. Saints 34, Texans 33
Denver at LA Raiders--I still don't get why they have two games on opening Monday night in the NFL. Not only will the east coasters be asleep at kickoff, the rest of the country will be sleeping due to another shitty matchup of AFC West teams. Broncos 13, Raiders 9
But hey, there are games to pick!
Washington at Philadelphia--DeSean Jackson is back in Philly where he belongs so that he can troll Giants fans like me at least twice a year. Carson Wentz legit scares me but this time if he gets hurt, Nick Foles won't be there to bail him out. Eagles 38, Redskins 10
Buffalo at NY Jets--Two teams that being the march to their inevitable AFC East demise because they share a division with the most dominant franchise the game has ever known, the
Atlanta at Minnesota--Sadly I think the Vikings had a window of opportunity two seasons ago, when Stefon Diggs and Case Keenum pulled a rabbit out of that giant fucking horn. you know, this one:
all they had to do was beat the Wentz-less Eagles and they'd be hosting the Super Bowl. But Nick Foles happened, and the Vikes missed the playoffs in 2018. The Falcons' reached their zenith after three quarters of Super Bowl 51, when Bill Belichick suddenly had control of Dan Quinn's mind and told it/him not to run the ball. Falcons 23, Vikings 20
Baltimore at Miami--Without much fanfare, John Harbaugh has been one of the game's best coaches for over a decade. His teams are never out of a game or out of the playoff hunt, and yet he's never talked about much. And in my professional (not really) opinion, it seems like his players respect him and play hard for him. Miami, well, at least you had the 70's and the Marino 80's! Ravens 30, Dolphins 14
Kansas City at Jacksonville--The sexy pick here is the Chiefs, as Patrick Mahomes has risen from promising to superhero in a calendar year. But don't forget that Jags' D, which appears to be as sick as ever and has the aforementioned Mister Foles on the other side of the ball. Jags 21, Chiefs 19
Tennessee at Cleveland--There is something about watching the Titans play, and that is that they are BORING. So boring that you may find yourself wondering if there is any tennis or bowling or fishing on TV. Oh, and the Browns are suddenly a contender which means Armageddon is right around the corner. Browns 26, Titans 20
LA Rams at Carolina--I see this Rams team as either being hungry enough to get back to the Super Bowl and win it, or as a team that could have a Super Bowl hangover and underachieve. Rams 31, Panthers 17
Cincinnati at Seattle--Wait, did Marvin Lewis actually get fired for once? Like the Bengals actually went through with it? Oh and have you ever wondered who is in charge of Pete Carroll's gum? I mean that dude always has half a pound of gum in his mouth. Seahawks 22, Bengals 13
Indianapolis at LA Chargers--Now that Andrew Luck has retired, there is just one guy they could sign to keep them relevant:
otherwise, Indy, at least you'll have a top draft pick again. Chargers 34, Colts 6
San Francisco at Tampa Bay--Does anyone else find it hard to believe that right smack in the middle of hurricane season, the NFL scheduled THREE games in Florida this weekend? Bucs 17, Niners 16
NY Giants at Dallas--It's gonna be real tempting for Pat Shurmur to yank Eli when it's clear he can't move the ball down the field now that he has an actual backup who may be more talented at this moment in Daniel Jones. We can only hope, right? Oh and let's not start the season 1-6 again, G-men, okay? Cowboys 27, Giants 17
Detroit at Arizona--There are exciting games, and then there are not exciting games like this one. Lions 20, Cards 17
Pittsburgh at New England--Would you be at all surprised to see Antonio Brown in a Pats uniform tomorrow night? One of my buddies just said this, and he's right--it's hard not to picture it happening. Pats 33, Steelers 27
Houston at New Orleans--I'm convinced that Drew Brees, Tom Brady and possibly Big Ben will still be playing at a high level when they turn 50. Saints 34, Texans 33
Denver at LA Raiders--I still don't get why they have two games on opening Monday night in the NFL. Not only will the east coasters be asleep at kickoff, the rest of the country will be sleeping due to another shitty matchup of AFC West teams. Broncos 13, Raiders 9
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