Week 1 picks
We're finally here. Week 1 in the NFL regular season, seven months after the last minute of the Super Bowl kicked off. It's a clean slate, all of our teams have Super Bowl aspirations--some more so than others--and a whole new season is about to unfold. So with that, let's guess how the first week's slate of games will shake out.....
Atlanta at Philadelphia--Yeah, I get it. The Eagles completed an improbable run to the title even after Carson Wentz went down with a knee injury late last season. They even beat the Patriots in the big game with Nick Foles under center. And then as the city of Philly erupted in celebration, one very hungry fan decided to treat himself to a midnight snack of horse shit. That's about right. Eagles 27, Falcons 20
Buffalo at Baltimore--Wings vs. crab cakes. Wings would win that for most football fans, but I think most football fans would go with the Ravens at home. Ravens 23, Bills 16
Jacksonville at NY Giants--There is a lot of excitement surrounding this game for Giants fans, both in and around New York and New Jersey--and in and around my house. Saquon Barkley. The return of Odell Beckham. Some solid draft picks and bolstered O-line. Hell, even our new punter is awesome. but in the preseason, no matter what my Giants did or who was playing--they were still settling for field goals. Ergh. My head and my heart are both telling me to go with my head. Jags 24, Giants 19
Tampa Bay at New Orleans--Serious question. Did Drew Brees turn 50 yet? Another serious question--why did the Bucs abandon those neon orange uniforms from the 70s and 80s? Too many uniforms look alike these days. Those orange unis were awesome. Saints 38, Bucs 17
Tennessee at Miami--In the playoffs last year, Marcus Mariota was showing flashes of his potential, punctuated by a TD pass to himself. So now do they keep that in the playbook? Titans 20, Dolphins 13
San Francisco at Minnesota--That Vikings win in the divisional round against the Saints with the Stefon Diggs miracle still gives me goosebumps. What they did against the Eagles after that more closely resembled goose turds. Vikings 30, Niners 20
Houston at New England--Serious question--does JJ Watt still play for the Texans? Or did I see him in and around Madison in a car with a Papa John's sign on it? Serious question--will Tom Brady ever retire or will he still be slinging it down field when he's 80? I almost picked a blowout, but then I remembered DeShaun Watson is the Texans' QB. Patriots 31, Texans 30
Cincinnati at Indianapolis--Marvin Lewis somehow still coaches the Bengals. Didn't he almost sort of get fired again and then sort of didn't leave and then sort of still collected pay checks into 2018? Oh and hey! Andrew Luck's back and so is his beard. Colts 16, Bengals 14
Pittsburgh at Cleveland--This may finally be the year when the Browns actually turn a corner and win a game or two. But not this game. Steelers 27, Browns 17
Kansas City at LA Chargers--Does anyone in Los Angeles know that the Chargers play there? Might be a good idea to let them know. Chiefs 30, Chargers 27
Washington at Arizona--So the Cardinals drafted Josh Rosen, and while I understand he's the QB of the future and all that, Sam Effing Bradford is starting over him? Maybe they are thinking Bradford is one inevitable injury away from Rosen being forced into the spotlight anyway. Cards 28, Redskins 24
Dallas at Carolina--It's hard to tell if this Dallas team will be awesome or shitty, but I do think they will be one or the other with no in-between. And the wishful thinking part of me is going with the latter. Panthers 23, Cowboys 17
Seattle at Denver--If Case Keenum goes down with an injury, Chad Kelly would be the starting QB of the Broncos. Say it with me now, WHO? Also, never trust a dude named Chad. Seahawks 17, Broncos 16
Chicago at Green Bay--For once we don't have Cowboys vs. Giants to open the Sunday night slate. Instead, they made that the Week 2 game. The only bad thing about this one is that it's too early in the season for snow in Green Bay. I mean, it IS too early, right? Packers 34, Bears 20
NY Jets at Detroit--If all goes as planned, this Jets team will actually be decent and the Lions will not be. Jets 20, Lions 17
LA Rams at Oakland--Woo hoo! Chuckie's back, Chuckie's back!! The only bummer is we won't have him calling Monday night games anymore and no Frank Caliendo "I'll tell you what, man" takes. Rams 31, Raiders 27
Atlanta at Philadelphia--Yeah, I get it. The Eagles completed an improbable run to the title even after Carson Wentz went down with a knee injury late last season. They even beat the Patriots in the big game with Nick Foles under center. And then as the city of Philly erupted in celebration, one very hungry fan decided to treat himself to a midnight snack of horse shit. That's about right. Eagles 27, Falcons 20
Buffalo at Baltimore--Wings vs. crab cakes. Wings would win that for most football fans, but I think most football fans would go with the Ravens at home. Ravens 23, Bills 16
Jacksonville at NY Giants--There is a lot of excitement surrounding this game for Giants fans, both in and around New York and New Jersey--and in and around my house. Saquon Barkley. The return of Odell Beckham. Some solid draft picks and bolstered O-line. Hell, even our new punter is awesome. but in the preseason, no matter what my Giants did or who was playing--they were still settling for field goals. Ergh. My head and my heart are both telling me to go with my head. Jags 24, Giants 19
Tampa Bay at New Orleans--Serious question. Did Drew Brees turn 50 yet? Another serious question--why did the Bucs abandon those neon orange uniforms from the 70s and 80s? Too many uniforms look alike these days. Those orange unis were awesome. Saints 38, Bucs 17
Tennessee at Miami--In the playoffs last year, Marcus Mariota was showing flashes of his potential, punctuated by a TD pass to himself. So now do they keep that in the playbook? Titans 20, Dolphins 13
San Francisco at Minnesota--That Vikings win in the divisional round against the Saints with the Stefon Diggs miracle still gives me goosebumps. What they did against the Eagles after that more closely resembled goose turds. Vikings 30, Niners 20
Houston at New England--Serious question--does JJ Watt still play for the Texans? Or did I see him in and around Madison in a car with a Papa John's sign on it? Serious question--will Tom Brady ever retire or will he still be slinging it down field when he's 80? I almost picked a blowout, but then I remembered DeShaun Watson is the Texans' QB. Patriots 31, Texans 30
Cincinnati at Indianapolis--Marvin Lewis somehow still coaches the Bengals. Didn't he almost sort of get fired again and then sort of didn't leave and then sort of still collected pay checks into 2018? Oh and hey! Andrew Luck's back and so is his beard. Colts 16, Bengals 14
Pittsburgh at Cleveland--This may finally be the year when the Browns actually turn a corner and win a game or two. But not this game. Steelers 27, Browns 17
Kansas City at LA Chargers--Does anyone in Los Angeles know that the Chargers play there? Might be a good idea to let them know. Chiefs 30, Chargers 27
Washington at Arizona--So the Cardinals drafted Josh Rosen, and while I understand he's the QB of the future and all that, Sam Effing Bradford is starting over him? Maybe they are thinking Bradford is one inevitable injury away from Rosen being forced into the spotlight anyway. Cards 28, Redskins 24
Dallas at Carolina--It's hard to tell if this Dallas team will be awesome or shitty, but I do think they will be one or the other with no in-between. And the wishful thinking part of me is going with the latter. Panthers 23, Cowboys 17
Seattle at Denver--If Case Keenum goes down with an injury, Chad Kelly would be the starting QB of the Broncos. Say it with me now, WHO? Also, never trust a dude named Chad. Seahawks 17, Broncos 16
Chicago at Green Bay--For once we don't have Cowboys vs. Giants to open the Sunday night slate. Instead, they made that the Week 2 game. The only bad thing about this one is that it's too early in the season for snow in Green Bay. I mean, it IS too early, right? Packers 34, Bears 20
NY Jets at Detroit--If all goes as planned, this Jets team will actually be decent and the Lions will not be. Jets 20, Lions 17
LA Rams at Oakland--Woo hoo! Chuckie's back, Chuckie's back!! The only bummer is we won't have him calling Monday night games anymore and no Frank Caliendo "I'll tell you what, man" takes. Rams 31, Raiders 27
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